If You Are Buying Halloween Candy In August You Are Part Of The Problem

August 15, 2018

Who needs to buy Halloween candy a full three months before the day it's actually needed?  More important question: Who is BUYING Halloween candy this early?  The video below was taken on August 9.  This candy at my local supermarket was out at least a week previous.  

#really?

A post shared by Mike Hsu (@mikehsuaaf) on

Could I at least lose my summer tan before we are pushed into Fall?  Could we let football season start?  Could I start raking the damn yard before Halloween is smashed into my face like a pumpkin pie?  Can the kids get back to school first?  You know there are going to be those kids bringing Halloween candy to school at the end of August.  Then your kids are going to come home and ask why they don't have fun size Kit Kats and Candy Corn(blechhh!) on August 28.  You just go ahead and tell them that the sugar lobby in this country wants those freak-ass kids to eat all the candy before October so their parents have to buy it twice.  I don't care if your kid is in second grade.  Tell them the sugar industry are the ones calling the shots and that's why we have French Toast flavored candy corn.  Seriously, why does candy corn still exist?  Kids hate it.  They'll egg your house if you throw it in their trick or treat bag.  It should be used as a punishment for those little bastards that show up at your door with no costume.  

 

This is where we need legislation that prevents the sale of Halloween themed products before the wild-card round of the MLB playoffs.  Anybody caught distributing or using Halloween candy or decorations before that time will be forced to be that house that gives out toothbrushes on Halloween night.  Then everyone will know you are "Season Rushers" because there will hundreds of discarded toobrushes littering the front of your residence.