GOING DEEPER: Too Tired For Sex

August 24, 2018

Tell me if you've heard this one before... "I'm too tired for sex..." Womp womp!

A listener wrote in this week: "Danielle, my wife often sends me sexy texts during the day, indicating that she wants to get after it and catch up on the sex we've been missing once we get home from work. We will go back and forth, lay out a few sexy scenarios, and she gets me all riled up. But, by the time we actually make it to the bedroom, she tells me she's too tired to have sex. What gives? Why send the messages all day?"

Ever heard that saying "even the best-made plans of mice and men often go awry?" Look, she probably has every intention of having sex with you. She's feeling good, she loves you, she wants to do it for your relationship. Hell, maybe she even enjoys being with you and is still attracted to you. I can equate this to dinner plans with my friends. We make plans a few weeks out, it sounds great, I miss them, I enjoy their company, sounds like something I might be into on that particular Thursday we have it scheduled. We will text in the days leading up; stuff like: "can't wait to see you girls tomorrow night!" But then it happens...

The day arrives. Holy hell. Nope. WHY did I make these plans? I'm too busy/tired/ sleepy/irritated... you get the point. Then it turns into a giant game of chicken to see who is going to cancel first. And God forbid we actually have to go through with the plans... it's lackluster... no one wants to be there, but they just weren't the first to be direct about it and cancel.

Same thing is happening with your wife, big guy. In the morning, she probably feels good. She got an early start to work, her coffee was made properly, people in the office haven't been terrible to deal with, and she's clicking on all cylinders. She will text you thinking that yes, tonight is the night. Finally we can have some down time together and enjoy each other's company.

Then it starts to go downhill... usually somewhere around 1pm or so. One kid's school calls. He needs to be picked up early because he's in the nurse's office complaining. Her sister texted her that she needs help planning the family party for this weekend. The repairman that was supposed to come fix the washer has to reschedule, and now there are seven loads of laundry piled up, and counting. You don't have food in the house for dinner so she has to make a trip to the supermarket on the way home from work. Upon arrival, the other kid announces dramatically that he has committed mom to baking nut-and-gluten-free cupcakes (from scratch) for the whole third-grade class. Then she realizes that the dog had diarrhea all over the laundry room and needs to add that to the to-do list for the evening. So, by the time you make it to the marital bed, the hand goes up and she's just not into it. 

It's frustrating, and most people don't feel that appointment sex is hot, but sometimes? That's exactly what you need to do. Make a date for it. And not just, "tonight after work." You need to figure out what to do with the kids and your life so that you two can be alone together.

That being said, if you don't have any of these other influences around and she's just throwing it out there and not following through, maybe it's time to take a look in the mirror and figure out how you're going to drop those 30 pounds that those double IPAs have added to your once-slender frame. 


This is GOING DEEPER, a new feature where we go even further inside the warped female brain. The regular segment on the air runs every Thursday at 7:50am, but often, we don't get to dive very deep into answers because we get so many questions. Here, I'll attempt to go a bit deeper into one of the questions we get each week.