Takin' Care of Business

September 25, 2018

Ahh yes, takin' care of business. You know what I mean. Bopping the bishop. Choking the chicken. Buttering the corn. The ol’ five against one. Greasing the flagpole. Jerking the gherkin. That’s right… self-pleasuration, as it’s referred to on our show.

How many of you men have been subject to endless guilt because you engage in such activities? And how many of you have argued to your wives/fiancees/girlfriends, “but it’s BIOLOGICAL! I NEED to do it or I’ll get backed up?” I bet a bunch of you have used that excuse. Why? Because someone is giving you a hard time about doing to yourself what they don’t feel like doing for you. Sound familiar?

How many times have you been in the bathroom and gotten the ol’ knock at the door? “What are you doing in there?” Which leads to this week’s question… “Danielle… my wife keeps giving me a hard time (pun intended) about masturbating. We have regular sex, and there’s nothing lacking in our sex life when it comes to variety, so why does she care if I take care of myself?”

Well, Bob… she shouldn’t. I think for a lot of women, it comes down to a basic insecurity issue. They can’t wrap their heads around why you would want to just “bang one out” when you have a perfectly good body (hers) to enjoy. They take it as an insult that you’d rather palm it. But here’s the thing… they usually don’t realize that it’s probably part of your routine. Shower, shave, insert other s words, and then possibly have an aggressive bullpen session. It’s just something you do to get it done.

And let’s face it… who knows the equipment better than the player who’s had it his whole life? NO ONE. I don’t care how skilled your girlfriend is at taking care of you… sometimes you just want that little head-clearing endorphin rush. Doesn’t mean you don’t love her and that you’re not attracted to her. You just want to get it overwith.

So next time you get the side eye at the dinner table because you dared to engage in The Stranger, pull your gal in close, give her a big hug and a kiss, and tell her how hot you think she is. Then give her a smack on the ass and go about your evening. Remind her that your own penis isn’t a threat to her very existence. Or… hide.

This is GOING DEEPER, a new feature where we go even further inside the warped female brain. The regular segment on the air runs every Thursday at 7:50am, but often, we don't get to dive very deep into answers because we get so many questions. Here, I'll attempt to go a bit deeper into one of the questions we get each week.